The Beerfort Scale

Tillermans “Proper Course” är ett måste, i alla fall om man är Laser-seglare. Nu har han t.ex. en serie där han försöker tolka Stuart Walker, som ju är känd för att skriva briljant men svårgenomträngligt.

Tillerman har också ganska skön humor. Här är hans senaste bidrag till myten att segliing och alkohol skulle hänga ihop på nåt sätt:

The Beerfort Scale
0 to 12 schooners (AU – substitute for locality)

0 Stone Cold Sober: Able to stand unaided, everything in focus, smoke rises vertically, drinks only bought when cajoled, sensible conversation abounds.

1 Feeling Warm: Very slight deviation from course, but no stumbling, training organised for next Sunday, voices kept low to exclude non favourites.

2 Slight Inebriation: Some incoherence, eyes have glassy appearance, occasional slur. Past regattas discussed, some exaggeration, winning times marginally decreased, boat speeds more or less accurate.

3 Gentle Glow: Barmaid becoming more attractive, some bantering, drink bought for stranger. Race margins always exaggerated, times halved, enjoyment factor of last regatta doubled. Boat speeds increasing noticeably. Recovery times lengthening. Wind becoming heavier/lighter/flukier/solider.

4 Moderate Inebriation: Pronounced slurring, voices increase in volume, some bad jokes re-told, offers of drinks to entire group. Last near miss made to sound as if planned, all courses now 20% longer and current greatly increased. Much talk of s-curving, some skepticism.

5 Well On: Speech becomes incoherent, some foaming, barmaid appears drop dead gorgeous, more schooners ordered (Chance of some spray) Speed of boats in knots over-estimated by factor of two. Some slight references to wedges/pies/ pizza.

6 Half Newt: Tables move, pattern on carpet becomes fuzzy, jokes get worse, (Probably some spray). Some boats now unbeatable, weather last time out worst/best in living memory, margins and times now increase/ decrease by a factor of four. Renowned club member now takes two hours to launch while buddies sit at outer leads in 30 knots waiting for him. Some spars may be purchased at inflated prices.

7 Full Newt: Whole yacht club in motion, next coached training session planned – Outer Reef return. Deposits taken, and used for next round. Some mention of “spag bog” many bags of nuts and chips purchased. Barmaid is Pamela Anderson (and she wants you!). RC boat is so large it swings across the entire course, hence pin is never in the same place twice. (Or compass is useless due to US military screwing up the signal). Inconvenience may be felt when walking to the loo.

8 Semi smashed: Immediate training trip to venue for Nationals organised, some glass breaking, insults are extensive. Beer is spread over adjoining tables, new round ordered, kitty is increased. Immediate trip to next Nationals venue is on the cards. More talk of spag bog. Tackle may be placed on the pool table. Non-members warned about the dangers of high speed roll-gybing. Boats now capable of 20 knots even with mainsheet wrapped round stern quarters. Bungs lost, progress generally impeded.

9 Near Smashed: Table dancing is commenced, some structural damage, some falling. Bones may break, injuries may go unnoticed, friends may refuse to acknowledge that assistance is required. Broken colleague is returned to car park, dumped on trailer and covered with hikers for comfort. All return to yacht club, (flashing and TV antennnas removed).

10 Smashed: Seldom experienced before collapse, friendly regattas organised in Pattaya and Kiel for the same week, equipment lent to club dickhead, offers of marriage to barmaid/barman. Boats now quicker than Rohan Veal’s moth, last race – 10 miles, hiking on gunwale for 45 minutes straight, sailed home with ripped main held in teeth. Some moans from car park, severe swelling may be evident, all cries are ignored. Some spray, much foam. Ornamental trees may be uprooted.

11 Nitroxed: Trans-oceanic training session organised, more deposits taken, new round ordered, many full glasses may be seen, bodies falling everywhere, medical treatment required, no pain felt, more chips and nuts ordered, cries for spag bog and wedges get louder. Much whiskey of unpronounceable name ordered, wet gear fills room, everything blurred. Small and medium sized sailors may become lost for a time. Visibility affected.

12 Out of Skull: Communications impossible, speech becomes lost in profanities, old grudges surface, past regattas recalled in detail, all measurements quadrupled, boats now faster than Exocets, even with bungs missing and running rigging droguing astern. The air is filled with foam and spray, smoke is thick, garbage bins are full.

There may be a short lull – Training is cancelled, deposits demanded back, organisers are accused of fraud, sailing sucks, all equipment for sale, golf clubs bought from fat bloke at bar. Wife arrives with car, followed by total amnesia and coma.

Summary The above is a guide, intended to show roughly what may be expected in a yacht club, near closing, on a scheduled sailing weekend, or when a group of sailors gather. Further from the sea, or near enclosed water time scales may be shorter and the exaggerations larger.

Please note: The scale above 8 is very rarely experienced, due to the sea breeze and lack of funds, however, when the phrase “the kitty covers everything” is heard, it can be assumed that force 12 will be reached and maintained for the duration of the expedition.